Skip this emo 1am post if possible.

It is not a matter of how, but why. 

Ten As and two B pluses in SPM, only one mark short of perfection in my recent International Studies mid-term test, constant full scores in my essays, pleasant reviews on my stories, praises on the art I draw, the piano pieces I play - and all the other things that I have worked hard for. 

Why, then? Why? 

Why is it never enough?

I don't want to be the one exerting pressure on others - I've done enough of that. I don't want to be the one that gets mislabeled as the nerdy no-lifer, nor do I want to be the typical class show-off. But in restraining my thoughts and ideas, I feel suppressed and upset. I force myself to silence at times, I try not to frighten anyone away.

Is it wrong to be enthusiastic, while being pessimistic at the same time? Is it wrong to be working as hard as I can, while falling asleep in lectures? Is it alright to be having friends, while being unused to their kindness?

I have to control myself - I know I have to! If I don't, things will go out of control. I will end up hurting others again, and history will only repeat itself. Nastiness can be horrible when unleashed - how many times has that been proven over the years? How long can the skepticism on one's surface last, before the fragile thread stretches and snaps? 

And yet I feel that I haven't done enough. Haven't tried hard enough. Haven't scored enough. Damn, how I despise my imperfections - and my desire for perfection. No, nothing is perfect enough. Not my art. Not my writing. Not anything, nothing at all. Scream and tell me it's a lie for all you like, but the inner part of myself is just unsatisfied with almost everything I do. 

And when I achieve what I have wanted to, where else will I go to...?

They say that a part of you will always remember the shit that has been thrown on you when you were younger. In my case, it's true. 

"Useless."

"Ungrateful."

"Emotionally unstable."

"Bitch."

"Just let her be. She doesn't need anyone, does she?"

"Fuck you."

"Worthless."

Desiring for revenge, their hurt, their pain - and willing to go to all lengths to obtain it. That's what's frightening - the complexity in the human mind and how it perceives issues around you.

But no, I won't. I can't. 

I promised that I would stop it. I promised that I would hold onto love, hope and kindness.

And as long as I remain true to myself, then I will.