The F-post.

Those are the best times where you laugh like there's no other worries on your mind. 

...

 

An interesting thought crossed my mind today.

It was on swearing. 

And I don't mean just the general poop-y terms.

 

Swearing - I happen to do it all the time. It just happens. It's sort of like, you know, something that I've brought along from Malaysia. From seventeen years of my teenage life.

From seventeen years of a messed-up, emotionally-tangled teenage life.

I told myself to stop swearing. Like, really, I tried. But in the end, it didn't work. Seriously, I'm going to stop trying and just give in to it - because there's too many daily situations where swear words are just necessary to keep my sanity intact. 

The OCD within me is telling me that I should compile a list of the exact things that make me swear. I should be just real chill (insert a joke about a friend here) about it and not fret over miniscule things like this, but somehow they're the stuff that makes my head spin. To appease the OCD within my subconscious, here goes.

The official list of Anne's F-rants

#1 - It's fucking cold - said daily while walking to classes, lecture halls, buildings and bus stops. 

#2 - I'm fucking hungry - said every morning without fail, in Anne's head or otherwise.

#3 - I don't fucking understand this shit - said all the time during lectures or tutorials - regardless of whether it contains the truth or not.

#4 - Fucking come back - yelled violently at buses when they pull away at Anne's late arrival by just one or two minutes. 

#5 - I'm fucking tired - nonchalantly stated, quickly followed up by Anne falling asleep in lectures. Just because it's that convenient, and that she can.

#6 - What the fuck - basically just exclaimed when anything goes wrong.

#7 - Oh, fuck - said in eerie calm when Anne knows that she's screwed no matter what.

#8 - Fuck this shit - contains the meaning of "this crap be damned to hell and back, I shall not give a rat's ass about it any longer." 

#9 - For fuck's sake - usually used when impatience is incurred. Happens often with water that takes too long to boil, beds that are too cold, buses that do not appear on time, computers that take too long to load, slow internet speed, batteries that are dying out, bedsheets that get twisted around in the middle of the night, general insomnia - and the list goes on and on.

#10 - Fuck you - commonly used in high school, though definitely avoided now in order to prevent discord within friendships. Used only on annoying individuals when necessary.

#11 - Fuck it - generally used to express displeasure in a task.

#12 - I'm fucking late - yelled around the house when Anne oversleeps and has to rush, which happens frequently.

#13 - Fuck - all of the above.

Oh, that was really enlightening. To me, at least. It made me smile and laugh a little, too. My twisted sense of humor is possibly endearing - I don't know. 

The rain outside is making the room freezing cold. At this time of the night, the heater is long turned off. All I can do is shove a hot water bottle in my bed and wrap myself with woolly blankets while using the laptop, hoping that whenever I shift the chair nothing gets stuck under the wheels. I've tripped over wires, blankets, shoes, and clothes numerous times in this place I call a room. It's not even new anymore, but it makes me wince every time things crash loudly at 2am in the morning. I probably have the ability to wake the entire house up - sound travels a long way here.

I still love New Zealand, though. And I still don't regret coming here. Despite the setbacks and these cold throw-offs, the people here provide the emotional warmth necessary. Just knowing that they care means a lot. 

There are exams in two weeks. 

I will try my best to achieve the perfection that I so desperately yearn for.