"It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; with Time all things are revealed;
Time is the father of truth."
Time is the father of truth."
- Francois Rabelais
There should always be a time for self-reflection - it helps complete the human in you, allowing you to sit back for a moment, taking in everything that has happened. It gives you a chance for improvements - and there is always room for improvements.
Contrary to what others may think, I don't self-reflect often. Since I'm better in expressing myself through words, it's rare for anyone to see me utter something profound and intense in real life. In real life, I'm the girl who sits about with a book - the girl who gets a little moody, but is still a nice person nonetheless. I don't bother correcting anyone who thinks I'm kind and awfully friendly nowadays - they automatically know how to distance themselves whenever they sense something's not right. Smart people, them.
Nevertheless, I must admit that 2012 has been one of the best years for me - and there can only be one reason for that.
New Zealand.
As cheesy as this could possibly sound, I still remember the first few days of me in Dunedin. It had been hilarious, really - being lost in a little town, stuttering in front of the bus driver, wandering around like the helpless student I was. Then there were some differences in the lifestyle, and of course the weather wasn't particularly pleasant.
And yet I loved every single moment of it.
Okay, being lost in some fucking nowhere and chasing the bus down the hill weren't fun when it had happened - but they were still my experiences, and I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world. After wanting to be in New Zealand all these years, I finally had my wish.
I had solemnly swore to myself that I would never abandon myself in a new land like this - that I would appreciate everything my parents had done to get me here, that I would try my best and adhere to my principles.
So I did.
There wasn't much to it, really. I was just so happy to be there. I loved all the subjects I did. I enjoyed the company of my classmates, as different as some of them were from me. I particularly appreciated the fact that no one scorned me or my dreams. They respected me for who I was. I reveled in the friendships I forged, took advantage of every opportunity I had. I wanted to work hard - I wanted to show the world what I could do - I wanted to show the people in Malaysia what I could bloody achieve.
Perhaps it was my own determination that pulled me through. I obtained scores that I never had in my entire life. It was surprising, but I was pleased. I convinced myself that no one could bring me down, that I was my very own master. I had enough time for everything. I never felt too pressured - well, at least, never pressured to the point where I couldn't handle it. It was there where I allowed some of my personality to shine through - the annoying girl who slept in class yet always reviewed the chapters in a day, the girl who swore like a motherfucker yet always started her assignments as soon as they were given out.
I enjoyed being a paradox.
I enjoyed being the irony of everything.
The world would continue to run its own course even if you died for it.
Contrary to what others may think, I don't self-reflect often. Since I'm better in expressing myself through words, it's rare for anyone to see me utter something profound and intense in real life. In real life, I'm the girl who sits about with a book - the girl who gets a little moody, but is still a nice person nonetheless. I don't bother correcting anyone who thinks I'm kind and awfully friendly nowadays - they automatically know how to distance themselves whenever they sense something's not right. Smart people, them.
New Zealand.
As cheesy as this could possibly sound, I still remember the first few days of me in Dunedin. It had been hilarious, really - being lost in a little town, stuttering in front of the bus driver, wandering around like the helpless student I was. Then there were some differences in the lifestyle, and of course the weather wasn't particularly pleasant.
And yet I loved every single moment of it.
Okay, being lost in some fucking nowhere and chasing the bus down the hill weren't fun when it had happened - but they were still my experiences, and I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world. After wanting to be in New Zealand all these years, I finally had my wish.
I had solemnly swore to myself that I would never abandon myself in a new land like this - that I would appreciate everything my parents had done to get me here, that I would try my best and adhere to my principles.
So I did.
There wasn't much to it, really. I was just so happy to be there. I loved all the subjects I did. I enjoyed the company of my classmates, as different as some of them were from me. I particularly appreciated the fact that no one scorned me or my dreams. They respected me for who I was. I reveled in the friendships I forged, took advantage of every opportunity I had. I wanted to work hard - I wanted to show the world what I could do - I wanted to show the people in Malaysia what I could bloody achieve.
Perhaps it was my own determination that pulled me through. I obtained scores that I never had in my entire life. It was surprising, but I was pleased. I convinced myself that no one could bring me down, that I was my very own master. I had enough time for everything. I never felt too pressured - well, at least, never pressured to the point where I couldn't handle it. It was there where I allowed some of my personality to shine through - the annoying girl who slept in class yet always reviewed the chapters in a day, the girl who swore like a motherfucker yet always started her assignments as soon as they were given out.
I enjoyed being a paradox.
I enjoyed being the irony of everything.
That was the main reason that convinced me to go on years ago.
I never thought about death anymore - and nowadays, I try my best to talk anyone out of it. Sometimes I wondered - was I the girl who had sobbed too much until her heart could never truly be happy again, or was I the person who wanted to help others in order to atone for all the things I had done? I didn't have a reasoning, and up until now I still don't - but I knew that I couldn't back away any longer. I had to keep on moving forward, no matter the cost. Dreams, determination - they were all in my hands. What I did and what I achieved would all depend on me - myself - the very being within me.
There's been some decisions to make recently. Many would know that I've never had too good a relationship with my family - but it was just not too long ago that I realized once again how fragile things were. It didn't take too much for a cable to snap or a piece of glass to shatter. One had to be so very careful until it almost seemed ridiculous to do so. I had always been one to keep promises, and yet this time I found myself looking back at some I couldn't keep anymore.
When I was fourteen, all I wanted to do was to ruin myself. I wanted to jump into the dark abyss and lay in nothingness forever, seeing nothing but the stars.
But then as I grew, I realized that there were no fucking stars in there.
The darkness was very fucking real, and the darkness would never come close to being as beautiful as light.
When I was sixteen, I made a promise to someone important.
Tomorrow, I will have to break it.
I knew what was at stake. I knew our relationship would definitely be put to the test. It was something dangerous, something that I would regret losing. I had always rooted for him, I had always supported his ideals - and yet at the time when he needed me most, I would have to abandon him. And it would be all because I wanted to save my own skin - all because I wanted to do what was right. It was simple - I refused to ruin myself for anyone's sake.
It would also not hurt to add that there were many other parallel issues, and this was merely one of them.
"Are you kidding me?" she asked incredulously. "After all the people you've hurt in the past?"
"...Are you saying I'm not nice?"
She sighed. "I'm just saying that sometimes hurting people is inevitable."
...
Today was one of those days where I just wanted to throw my hands up and scream. Instead, I took a drive on my own - my dad had very nicely given me the keys, allowing me to have all the fun I wanted. And that was precisely what I did. I leaned back against the seat and drove comfortably along the highways, blasting music out of the speakers and humming tunelessly along. It had felt wonderful, and I found myself liking it more and more. It gave me the space I wanted - and it felt vastly different from being on the laptop, or writing stories in the comfort of a cafe. Driving allowed me to be out and about, enjoying the freedom and relaxing at the same time.
...Well, I had nearly crashed into godknowswhat, but that wasn't important. I have a P, bitches, I'm qualified!
...
Well.
Sometimes I liked being myself, and sometimes I hated it. That was 2012, and that would also be 2013.
Perhaps that wasn't so bad. It only proved how human I was.
"Don't wait for luck.
Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself."
- The Script, "Hall of Fame"
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