This is an honest post.
The days have been filled with an endless heat - the sort that enters your head and rattles desirous thoughts for buckets of ice and a voyage to the North. A strange calm has settled over, and I intend for it to stay that way. Not many have realized that I have returned - and if they have, the realization was done through Facebook photos of Anne at some obviously-Malaysian-place with obviously-Malaysian-friends. Not really rocket science.
Sentimental feelings aside, returning to Malaysia hasn't been a walk in the park. My temporary stint of a part-time job felt miserable and was as miserable as it sounded. It didn't help that the Myvi I drove had an incident with a pillar as well - and if anything, that minor accident just made me want to stay at home even more for the rest of the break until I could return to New Zealand again. My brother, who was supposed to stay until after Chinese New Year, had spontaneously decided to return to New Zealand two months earlier than planned for quite a similar reason - not feeling at home back in a country where everything felt foreign and unfriendly.
I understood what he meant, and yet at the same time I couldn't help but feel the twinge at irritation at the way he just took off. It didn't help that our family went at each other's throats easily - we pissed each other off constantly, and our relationship with each other was as fragile as it seemed.
There are three children in this family.
There is an eldest daughter, a son in the middle, and the youngest daughter. The eldest daughter probably has more mental issues than she would ever voice out - the son is an escapist who only pursues the finer things in life - while the youngest daughter is here, there, and everywhere where she is needed. It's all very vague and mysterious, as I like to funnily put it sometimes, especially where everyone is so terrible in communicating. We all have unresolved issues with each other, and yet we refuse to talk about it. And perhaps this isn't just a problem in our family, but in many others as well. We're dysfunctional and we know that, but it'd kill for us to ever admit it.
I don't speak about my family often. My friends in New Zealand know that I don't have a particular fondness for Malaysia, and they know that I'm not that close with my family - but at the same time, it's not as bad as it seems. I try to hold everything together. I send handmade cards back home. I do long emails. We Skype, uhm, once in a few months. Probably.
The question I have always been asked is how I've coped without my family, and I've been called crazy for not actively missing them. The answer is that until this very day, my education has been funded by my parents - so no matter what I say, I am and will always be indebted to them. And my parents have nothing but my gratitude today for supporting my education. Whatever that has happened between them and I in the past - every nasty thing that I may have said about them, every single murderous thought I have had - it matters no more. It's a thing of the past, and if there's anything my coping mechanism is good at, it's at suppressing anything I feel is bad until I don't feel it anymore. Right now, there is gratitude - and right now, that is more than enough.
The thing about blood is that it is not always thicker than water, and blood does not necessarily equate to family - but regardless of how I feel, or what I think - the point is that I have been provided with an opportunity, and I will do anything to make this opportunity work. Maybe my family will fall apart, maybe the world around me will die - but it matters not. In the meantime, I'll do what I always have to do.
The age of high school has long passed. Gone are the days where I've been helpless, confined to the permissions of teachers and what seniors have thought about me - gone are the days where I've had to be subjected to criticism or rumors. Gone are the days where people have refused to take me seriously, gone are the days where I have had to live in the shadows of others. My heart has long left, and I've long disassociated myself with anything that I believe would only harm me - this includes many things about this country, and old ideas which have only proved to be self-destructive than anything else.
I used to hate a lot, but I've realized that it's better to disassociate than to hate. Hate destroys. Disassociating yourself, on the other hand, is cool - calm - forgiving, accepting. As zen as that shit sounds, it does hold some merit. It helps that you're away from the source of estrangement, where you can focus on working for yourself. Self-improvement helps - it gives you a purpose. It makes you want to do better for yourself and no one else. It's beautiful.
And that, mates, is what 2013 has been for me.
I don't want to elaborate too much on it because the previous posts have been terrible - so I'll focus on my achievements instead.
I lived in one of the more prestigious halls this year, hence most of the time my activities have involved going to formal dinners, practicing the piano, doing one or two performances here and there, and meeting new people. That has been incredibly productive for my non-existent social skills, I hope. Being involved with the Magazine Committee and a LAWS101 tutorial coordinator (which isn't as epic as it sounds, trust me) was quite memorable.
My story, "Time Agents", was also published in KL Noir: White this year. It was merely a short 2,000 word story along with the works of others, but it involved time-traveling, May 13th, and some mindfuckery - so I'll say that it's a start. I would have submitted another one for KL Noir: Blue, but they refused to take in people who have been previously published in other Noir volumes. Meh. Keep writing, Anne - one day you'll write a bestseller. Wait for it, wait for it.
And the most important part was getting into second year Law, which I have done.
Trust me, that was probably the thing that weighed down on me the most.
Only two-hundred students are accepted into second year Law from the previous six-hundred in first year. You would need a minimum of B+, and of course, you would need to be in the top two-hundred. No pressure, mate, no pressure at all. It didn't help that I was having the Asian-inferiority syndrome, especially where I spoke so differently from everyone else. I had to put at least a hundred cases into my head and use them in a given case, analyze legislation, and assess a party's liability. No pressure, of course, on also being the only person in my entire hall who was doing an odd blend of Law, Politics and English. Of course I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into, but I knew I had to do it anyway.
Did I go out and have fun once in a while? Yes, I actually did. I went clubbing, partying, got myself drunk, got others drunk, had others get me drunk...the list goes on. It's terrible, actually. I also procrastinated like nobody's business. Terrible, terrible Anne. People seemed to enjoy getting me drunk. They say I'm funny when I'm drunk. I don't find myself funny when I'm drunk. I find myself annoying when I'm tipsy, because I laugh and hug people too much. I get handsy. I become happy. And I end up thinking that everyone around me are hot and beautiful. Yech. Chris gets handsy when he's drunk, too - you ever had a ginger walk up to you in the middle of the street and give you huge, epic hugs? That's Chris for you. Avi, on the other hand, throws pumpkins (legit pumpkins) into your face when he's drunk. He also punched me, so I punched him back.
Good times, man. Good times.
Hey, Anne actually enjoys being an asshole one in a while. Don't knock it till you've tried it.
There's been some disappointments in 2013, too. Attempts in a relatively-stable relationship have failed, because Anne is plain terrible in wooing guys and is yet excellent in rejecting the ones who are after her. Anne did not make the cut to be the next Council's Secretary - now that was a major disappointment that had me moping for days.
Kolya's death haunts me, too.
In other words, 2014 - I wonder what you have in store for me. Will you be good? Will you be challenging? Will you be a spectacular fuck-up, or will you be one of the greatest years in my life? I guess it depends on me, doesn't it - what I make it to be, what I put into it.
So let's do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment