It's alright - it's okay.

The blue isn't everlasting - it fades fast, leaving behind nothing but dreary grey - with wispy clouds hanging in the sky and gales tearing through the roofs.

So far everything's been like...a story. A peaceful story with no endings - only beginnings that seem to go on and on - a peaceful story with warmth, smiles, and certain acts of kindness that I have really begun to appreciate.

I can't remember how long it has been since I felt this peaceful.

I recall several friends, even relatives, saying this to me - "You will regret going to New Zealand. Life will be so tough there, and you're going to suffer. Your enthusiasm is temporary. Stay here. Why won't you stay?" And as much as I'd like to politely explain a long-winded way how wrong they were (and still are), I'll just sum it up in one simple sentence because I'm so sick of trying to justify myself again and again.

'Stuff it in, live your lives without interfering in mine, and God forbid - just shut the hell up.'

I wanted to leave my home for a reason. I didn't come to Dunedin just for the heck of it. 

Reasoning, reasoning, more reasoning.

Life here is pretty much gold. From time to time I remind myself the few reasons why I have come here - not just for the education, but for the other stuff as well. 

To give myself some time.

To be a better person.

To start out anew.

To stop being so defensive. 

To forgive, learn, and forget.

To be kinder. 

To remove the old version of myself.

To sort my thoughts out. 

To...to...what? All of the above, as well as to change. Just...to change.

Perhaps that's why I've been trying so hard to prove myself. It can get incredibly exhausting, but not once do I want to pause, slow down, or give myself a long break. I have to prove myself - because I just have to. At times I have to tell myself not to overdo it, hence past events occur. Being motivated is good - but over-pushing isn't. Anything that leads to extremities is basically unhealthy, I'll say. 

Shitty mindset of mine. Anything lower than perfection, and I'd be cursing my uselessness.

It's odd. Whenever I see Asian girls squealing in that typical fashion, I would automatically fold my arms and sulkily say lowly, "Ugh, Asian girls." And then I'd want to facepalm because for goodness sake, I am an Asian girl. Don't get me wrong - I love my heritage. I'm proud to be a Chinese, and I'm proud to be able to converse with others in Chinese, even being able to speak and write. 

But what had happened to the general mindset and perception of the population? Where had the depth people once had gone to? Things are just so shallow nowadays that it hurts and aggravates. It was like they were wiped off the face of earth, and all that was left were the people who only knew how to judge and criticize.

Perhaps underneath all the major reasons, that was one of the reasons why I was struggling to get out of Malaysia as well. I wish I could tell my IS lecturer that I could remember all the meanings of the symbols on the Malaysian flag not because I was patriotic - but because I was a damned overachiever that scored well in History. 

But things will get better. They are getting better. 

There are wonderful people here. People that...I really would like to get to know better. 

Because I think that maybe, just maybe, they'd understand how I feel too. 

If this peaceful story could go on for a little longer - if it could progressively go well until the end of the year - then I'd be happy. I really would be. A fairytale it would be, because I'm a damned dreamer who doesn't appreciate reality well enough. If I could continue enduring and stop reverting to the reserved, moody, volatile high-school Anne for good - then that would be one part of my goals achieved, no questions asked. 

But who could help me achieve that? Who could help me?

There's no definitive answer. I came here to discover them on my own, didn't I? 

But for the most part, I do know that I don't want anybody to turn out into someone like me. Perhaps that's why I've been helping out others as much as I could - because I want them to experience a happy life. I want them to smile and laugh as much as possible, as well as gain lifelong friends - the ones who would go to great lengths in supporting them. I want them to gain genuine friends through honest means - not through slyness and dark thoughts of merely wanting to use them. I want them to be positive, honest, and caring.

And most importantly? I don't want them to be alone.

I still do not regret coming to New Zealand. And I never will.

I am not freaking homesick. In fact, I love it here so much (despite the fact that I freeze my ass off every morning - every house should have a toilet-seat warmer I swear) that I don't feel like returning.  

Despite the flaws in myself (which I can't really change for now), I love the place I am at. I admire the people around me, and I'm comfortable (enough for me not to hide into a corner and subdue myself with a book) around the people I hang out with, which is already a huge step for me. 

There's nothing that I regret. 

 Nothing at all.

And I will sleep tonight and hope I'll see a blue sky tomorrow - because it makes me smile, and I know that it will make others smile as well.