Here we go again.

What are you dreaming of?

In just two months, I have realized just how much more cynical I've become when it comes to world issues. Thank you Law, thank you Politics. You have made me become a pessimist, especially when world tensions are concerned. It's not my fault that I've started viewing things from a different perspective, it just happens. 

I dream of a far away place where we used to be.

The number of assignments I've been having...damn. In two weeks, I've had to write essays worth 4k words, and in the next two weeks there'd be more essays and legal opinions to do. While I love what I'm studying at the moment, the amount of research necessary for these essays are a real pain. Nevertheless, university life is still more enjoyable than high school life - and it always will be, no matter what happens. 

I dream of a far away place where we could go to.

The people here are nice - immensely so. The days are filled with dinners, tea in the kitchens, gym days, theme parties, tests, assignments, lectures, day outs, and all sorts of other student-related activity that one can think of. There are blossoming romances, love-hate relationships, and just the sort of thing you can expect to happen when you chuck students together in a hall. But I love it, I really do. 

If you do not come to me, I will go to you.

So much to do, so little time. Coffee tomorrow with the peeps, dinner with an old mate - church on Sundays, maybe? May God save me from my sins. Procrastinating on the work, going through a routine, picking out outfits...

Let us help each other out.

And it begins.

There have been so many changes in life. 

...

For those of you who aren't aware of it yet, I'm happily back at a place where I call home. 

Flying back to NZ was a tiring process. I had to transit at Singapore and Christchurch before taking another domestic flight to Dunedin with bags, cookies and everything in tow. Amused, I tried doing a calculation of how many hours of travel time I had clocked over the past few months. The answer was pretty startling, I'd say - there were definitely more than ten flights, and at least thirty hours of being on the road. Oh yes, Anne, you da traveler, so stick to dat and do what you like to do.
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Now this keychain below gave me a problem -

 They basically thought I was communicating in a secret language to other terrorists - or that I myself was a wannabe terrorist - or...I don't know, really. The keychain shaped as a gun was inappropriate (?) - or maybe they thought the keychain had secret powers. At any rate, I ended up being stranded at a side for fifteen minutes while they scrutinized me warily, consulting their senior officers for all that was worth. 

Tired from waiting, I told the officer, "You know what? You guys can have it. It's from the dollar shop anyways." 

Startled, the officer gave me this strange, weird look. Apparently if I was so willing in giving up, then that would mean I was not a potential terrorist, right? After all, the ones who acted all defensive and shit were the suspects.

So in the end, I was allowed to keep my lovely keychain. 

Drinks all around!

ANYWAY.

Living in St Margaret's College is probably one of the best things that could happen to me, ever. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I first visited it at the age of nine. Or ten, whatever - I don't remember. I was immediately captivated by those flowers, that traditional-looking structure - and of course, the wonderful lifestyle. I remember putting all these personal pleas in my application, and badabinggg, wish granted. 

People have been really friendly so far, even though the segregation between Asians and Europeans clearly still exists in a certain manner. That doesn't mean you can't get locals to be your friend, though, I've had a couple of mates pretty quickly and everything seems to be working fine. It's quite common for us to greet each other on the hallway or strike up a quick, casual conversation at the dining table. 

Which quickly led me to the fact that I was the friggin' minority in terms of coursework and shit. Everyone was a health science student, I was one of the few doing Law and Arts - majoring in English and minoring in Politics, no less. It was difficult to talk about course stuff with others since we were all involved in different things, but people were quite curious as to what my two degrees entailed. 

Looks like everyone can be pals after all. 

The Inter-College Sports Day was pretty fun, even though I did suffer a minor sunburn after that. I'll remember that tight jeans and bad UV rays are a bad combination next time.

 GO, SMC!

Then this was something interesting I found on a library book I borrowed:

 I totally laughed at "Oh Dear". Someone was obviously not a diehard fan of the USSR. Dude probably had a shitload of jokes for Commies and Albania...or whatever country he was referring to at "bugger", I have no idea. 

Then there was the all-amazing toga party, where everyone dressed up in a toga just like the Greek eras in their bedsheets. It was like, a Dunedin tradition. Freshies did that, and thousands of them gathered in the stadium.

 Then there were the catch-ups with old mates. 

This little girl clung onto me incredibly quickly. She just refused to let me go, so I was like, "Heck, I'll just carry you around then."

Another feature of St Margaret's is the formal dinners they have. I signed up for pre-dinner drinks seeing as no one on my floor was that keen on doing so, and ended up being nervous in a whole bunch of people dressed in suits and dresses.

 We also had the Amazing Race. I might have twisted/tore something in the process, seeing as how much I suffered in the days after that. All in all, though, it was great fun.

 There are a lot of serious issues that I have to write about, though. 

First off, the study issues.

Secondly...I still haven't really gotten over the death of a close friend that I have just discovered recently. No one really knows what's going on, and even I have tried my best not to think about it. But the thoughts still come dead at night, after several tiring hours of looking over books. 

I don't know how to deal with it, but somehow I will. 

Till then, it's time for a Law lecture.

Raindrops and flowers

The only thing that's constant is change. You get wrapped up in so many uncertainties - there's the urge to fling yourself out of the window, diving into the clouds and rainbows below - and yet you know, too, that you could land on something that may kill you. You fear the change since you're so unsure of the future, but at the same time you can't help but eagerly anticipate the things that are to come. It happens - your original goals sway a little, you lose sight of what's important for a second - you get confused on what's right and what's wrong. There are, however, no judgements from others - they can't pass any, not unless you tell them and allow them to judge you. 

It's all just a part of living - I say that to myself, mates, and others around me. They look up to me and listen - Anne, you are the voice of reason. You're so in control of your life that it hurts. There's nothing wrong about you, you're doing well in life - with a goal, a vision, a dream and everything you could possibly have. What more could you want? Are you possibly so fickle that you cannot even be satisfied with life's blessings? Why do you not appreciate the little things that happen everyday - why do you not love like you should, why do you not care? Anne, you are so fucking fickle. Get a grip! 

There are responsibilities, and Anne, you are responsible. You are responsible for every damn thing you do in life. People do not pity you for they know how headstrong you are in things, they know just how you are when you make decisions - rushed, irrational. There is not much to be pitied there - Anne, you are fickle. After wondering about this for so many years, you can reach your happy conclusion. You are as fickle as the many shallow-minded people out there and someday, the mighty you will fall. Perhaps it is best that you mentally prepare yourself for the day when your tiara goes out of place. You might've been a queen to them, but you're nothing without your pride. If it will be ripped to shreds, then that's how it is. There is nothing that can be done - nothing that can be salvaged. You took the gamble - now you fucking live with it. 

That is all - plain and simple. 

 

...

Thailand's coming up next week! The past few months have been hectic as hell. I envy those who have been lazing around, having nothing to do. For me, it's always going 'round here, there, everywhere...not that I mind, though. I'm the traveler - gotta love traveling, especially when it's paid for. Going to Singapore was great - more of a business trip, actually, but it was through that that I got to meet Kenji, an old mate of mine that I've known for quite some time. We had snacks, walked around Orchard Road, and just sat on a bench listening to cool tunes while we ranted to each other about our lives. I had expected it to be awkward, but it wasn't in the end. What would you know - we ended up bonding pretty quickly. It was nice to see him - got as many hugs as I could.

No positive responses from what I've applied to? Oh, well, at least I tried. I'll try and try and try until I die. Sure, it gets disheartening, but whatever. I'll do that shitty hairflip and just try again next time. 

I really should do a to-do list. Like, make an actual fucking budget, instead of some lame-o one that doesn't make sense. Must get parents to pay my fees soon. Must drive around more often. What else, what else...gotta send those new clothes for washing...gotta write more shit...update stories...keep applying for more of those writing jobs because that's probably the only thing I can do...pack for Thailand...hmm, I don't know. There sure are lots of things to do. Entertain boyfriend? I don't have the time. See, Anne, you're nuts.

How the hell can people be bored at home? It makes no fucking sense.

The Queen and her Knight

"Fly me up on a silver wing
Past the black where the sirens sing
Warm me up in a nova's glow
And drop me down to the dream below"

Linkin Park - Castle of Glass

...

I'm going to tell you guys a story. It took me some time to draft it up, and the drawings took even longer. The story is cliched, stupid, and boring - but...but...oh, whatever. Ignore the art and layering fail. 

...

Enjoy the metaphors (or whatever the hell they are).

...

Once upon a time, there existed a Queen. She lived in a lonely castle, waiting day after day for the King of her dreams to appear. Princes from other countries tried their best to approach her, but the stubborn Queen was not drawn to any of them. She found them boring - none of them piqued her interest long enough to be even considered a companion.

One day, the Queen met a ruffian - a ruffian who was by no means anything special. He was sarcastic, rude, and caused a great deal of trouble in the country. The Queen’s countrymen hated this ruffian – they claimed that he was callous and too outspoken with his ideas.

The Queen didn’t care much about a mere man, of course - but on one occasion, she ended up speaking to the ruffian. They didn’t get along well - both viewed each other as enemies to verbally assault. The Queen, in an out-of-character moment, taunted him with childish insults - to which he responded with vigor, ignoring the fact that she was the country's ruler.

Until one day, the unexpected happened. The ruffian happened to witness the Queen at one of her weakest moments. He never knew that there was this side to the brash, annoying, proud lady.

Things changed drastically after that. They began talking to each other – the first few conversations were slow, hesitant - but quickly evolved to casual chats that carried on day after day. Sometimes they asked about each others lives, sometimes it was just discussions about their goals and dreams. The Queen laughed a whole lot more, not feeling too lonely in her castle anymore. She had him to look forward to seeing all the time, and they gradually became close.

One day, the ruffian called her his “Queen”. 

The Queen was startled, of course. To call her by her title was proof that he had acknowledged her as his ruler, as the one who lead the country. It was proof of his loyalty - loyalty that he never showed to anyone else before. 

As such, the Queen did something she had never done in her life – which was to assign a Knight for herself. 

From that day onward, the ruffian was her Knight, and she was his Queen. It was a startling development, one that surprised everyone around them. They paid no heed to the looks and gossips around them, knowing that they had each other to believe in. 

The Queen and her Knight were always together. She would provide him encouragement whenever he felt like he was next to nothing, assuring him that he was worthy – while he would stand by her side and protect her from the demons within her lonely castle.

 

 

It was then when the Queen realized she was beginning to fall for her Knight. It was something not to be thought of, something that shouldn’t ever be brought up. The Knight existed only to protect the Queen, and the Queen existed to rule. Perhaps the Knight had felt something for his Queen too, but it was hard to tell. He gave enigmatic answers - answers that even the Queen could not understand. She was afraid to push the boundaries, and decided that issues of the heart could be dealt with later.

Times were getting harder. The enemies were upon the castle, threatening to invade and overrule the country. The Knight and her Queen had burdening duties to carry out. While the Knight tried his best, sometimes the Queen herself had to join in the battle. Try as they might, both were worn down by extreme battle conditions - the Queen and her Knight were trapped in an imposing world, where nothing much was left.

“You don’t have to fight the enemies,” he once told her exasperatedly. “All you have to do is sit and look pretty.” 

The Queen was having none of that bullshit. “Well, I can’t just let you fight out there without being by your side!"

“Then…then go and manage the village or something,” he said, clearly frustrated. “Just don’t get any blood on your hands.”

The war eventually did end. The Queen and her Knight were tired, of course, but they managed to share moments of peace, quiet and happiness once more. They talked about the war, the future, and what the world was about. 

He liked the way she asserted her opinions, and the Queen was incredibly proud, then, to have chosen him as her Knight. In turn, she admired the way her Knight stood up for what was right. 

The Queen missed her Knight horribly whenever he wasn’t around. She wanted to know more about him, wanted more from him. Thoughts about him haunted her throughout the days, and she yearned to have him by her side all the time. 

Things, however, weren’t going to stay peaceful for long. 

The pressure was on the Queen once again to choose a partner for herself in order to secure the stability of the kingdom. She despised it, but her Knight urged her to be patient.

That was when she couldn’t take it anymore. She let months of feelings out, confessing to him what she thought of him to be, and what she hoped him to be. The Queen wanted them to always be together – not as Knight and Queen, but as King and Queen. 

She looked at her Knight, expecting happy smiles and acceptance.

But things just weren't meant to be.

He couldn’t, he said. He just couldn’t. He was merely a Knight – not someone worthy to be King. He mentioned that there were many others far more worthy to be King – and that she deserved someone better.

But the Queen knew better. There was another reason for his rejection. 

“Why?” Her question rang hollowly, the accusation in her tone apparent. “Are you afraid that I will fail you?” 

It went both ways, the Knight told her calmly. He was worried that she would fail him, and she would worry that he'd fail her. 

The Queen told him, indignantly, that he would never fail her, and that she would try her best regardless of how difficult the relationship would be - but her Knight had his mind made. It just wasn’t meant to be. He was sorry, he said, but he just couldn’t do it.

The Queen couldn’t believe that this was happening. She was devastated. What else was there to be done now? At this rate, she didn’t even want to face anyone. She refused to. She wanted to go away, disappear from the world, hide from reality. Her pride was in tatters, shredded to bits and pieces of nothingness. 

“I’m sorry.” His tone was gentle. “Will you be alright?”

She wanted to laugh maniacally, to go on a violent massacre on any other kingdom that had once done her wrong. She wanted to scream – she wanted to cry – and cry she did, on the night after that – though no one would ever know. Instead, she forced a grin on her face. “Well, I can't make you stay here anymore. Work hard,” she said. “Whatever you do in the future, work hard, shine, and achieve. I’ll always be cheering for you.” 

There. That was his cue to leave. "Thank you," he replied.

With that, the Queen watched as her Knight - the one who was supposed to always protect her, walked out of her life forever.

...

"Now in my remains
Are promises that never came
Set the silence free
To wash away the worst of me"

Linkin Park - In My Remains 

...

"Have you ever thought about it?"

"Of course I have. Do you see me as a fool? I've considered everything."

"Then you should know that if we ever had a relationship, it would be a time bomb." 

...

...

You're right.

...

You're right.