2013

New Year's resolutions, hm. 

Every year, I have my resolutions.

Every year, I fail to fulfill quite a few of them. 

Thus, this year, I shall not be stupid. As in, I'll stop making resolutions that I absolutely cannot keep. "Stop swearing" is one of those impossible ones, so I'll just forget about it. As degrading as my swearing can be, I guess it's alright as long as I limit it to mates. I control myself pretty well nowadays since projecting a more professional image's important - it's like a responsibility of being an adult and all. 

Right. Let's get on with the list.

1. Advance further in the writing dream.
   
   Being able to write for YILB is seriously a dream come true. I never would've thought it possible. Writing for them is enjoyable, not to mention everyone works as an effective team with editor-in-chiefs, college reps, and a social media group. It's exciting, and I can't wait to experience more.
   
   Will Yilb it up as things come.
   
   Then of course, Anne, you really have to start out on an original novel. Fanfiction isn't going to sell, and you've been there long enough. 'Sides, your dream is to write something that could inspire everyone. Start early - get on with it.
   
   And if you could win like a couple of small writing competitions, that'd be pretty cool too.
   
   
2.  Handle the double degree with as much grace and efficiency as possible - good grades and shit.
   
   Which basically means, less frustrating issues of last-minute studying. More note-taking, more concentration. And of course - this goes without saying that I have to do the best I can in my results. I'm definitely looking at A grades, plus grades that allow me to make the top two-hundred students entering second year Law. Come on, Anne, look at Oxford. You will apply after your degree. Promise.
   
   Law, English and Politics - come at me, bro. I'm fired up for everything, I'm motivated. Let's get that term started.
   
   
3. Maintain a healthy sense of self - physically and mentally
   
   It really isn't a big secret that I have some seriously messed up opinions, but that doesn't really matter. What I have is what I have, nothing much can be done about that.
   
   What I need to do, however, is to maintain this sort of thinking. Acceptance is the first step, maintenance is the second. It won't be easy, but I'll have to do it. With that kind of workload this year, it'll take a lot to stop me from breaking down. I'll do the best I can to stay motivated while making myself feel confident at the same time. This also means being more independent - and less whiny.
   
   
   ...

And seriously? This is about it for now. Of course there are the usual things I'd love to do - traveling, saving up on cash - but those aren't exactly on my priority list. For the time being I'm still relying heavily on my parents, so I don't have the right to talk about anything cash-related. Fall in love? Well, that's not a priority of mine either. For the time being I am contented with myself and the freedom I have. The breakup I had a few days ago alerted me to the fact that being on my own can be quite a blessing - and no way am I interested in tying myself down to a person who talks about marriage and who is angry when I don't text at least once a day. When the time comes, it will come

I have my goals. I have my aims.

That, to me, is the most important thing now. 

Raindrops and flowers

The only thing that's constant is change. You get wrapped up in so many uncertainties - there's the urge to fling yourself out of the window, diving into the clouds and rainbows below - and yet you know, too, that you could land on something that may kill you. You fear the change since you're so unsure of the future, but at the same time you can't help but eagerly anticipate the things that are to come. It happens - your original goals sway a little, you lose sight of what's important for a second - you get confused on what's right and what's wrong. There are, however, no judgements from others - they can't pass any, not unless you tell them and allow them to judge you. 

It's all just a part of living - I say that to myself, mates, and others around me. They look up to me and listen - Anne, you are the voice of reason. You're so in control of your life that it hurts. There's nothing wrong about you, you're doing well in life - with a goal, a vision, a dream and everything you could possibly have. What more could you want? Are you possibly so fickle that you cannot even be satisfied with life's blessings? Why do you not appreciate the little things that happen everyday - why do you not love like you should, why do you not care? Anne, you are so fucking fickle. Get a grip! 

There are responsibilities, and Anne, you are responsible. You are responsible for every damn thing you do in life. People do not pity you for they know how headstrong you are in things, they know just how you are when you make decisions - rushed, irrational. There is not much to be pitied there - Anne, you are fickle. After wondering about this for so many years, you can reach your happy conclusion. You are as fickle as the many shallow-minded people out there and someday, the mighty you will fall. Perhaps it is best that you mentally prepare yourself for the day when your tiara goes out of place. You might've been a queen to them, but you're nothing without your pride. If it will be ripped to shreds, then that's how it is. There is nothing that can be done - nothing that can be salvaged. You took the gamble - now you fucking live with it. 

That is all - plain and simple. 

 

...

Thailand's coming up next week! The past few months have been hectic as hell. I envy those who have been lazing around, having nothing to do. For me, it's always going 'round here, there, everywhere...not that I mind, though. I'm the traveler - gotta love traveling, especially when it's paid for. Going to Singapore was great - more of a business trip, actually, but it was through that that I got to meet Kenji, an old mate of mine that I've known for quite some time. We had snacks, walked around Orchard Road, and just sat on a bench listening to cool tunes while we ranted to each other about our lives. I had expected it to be awkward, but it wasn't in the end. What would you know - we ended up bonding pretty quickly. It was nice to see him - got as many hugs as I could.

No positive responses from what I've applied to? Oh, well, at least I tried. I'll try and try and try until I die. Sure, it gets disheartening, but whatever. I'll do that shitty hairflip and just try again next time. 

I really should do a to-do list. Like, make an actual fucking budget, instead of some lame-o one that doesn't make sense. Must get parents to pay my fees soon. Must drive around more often. What else, what else...gotta send those new clothes for washing...gotta write more shit...update stories...keep applying for more of those writing jobs because that's probably the only thing I can do...pack for Thailand...hmm, I don't know. There sure are lots of things to do. Entertain boyfriend? I don't have the time. See, Anne, you're nuts.

How the hell can people be bored at home? It makes no fucking sense.

Everything's a cycle.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

...

...

One, two, three.

Here it goes again. Be very careful, Anne. Be very careful.

The Queen and her Knight

"Fly me up on a silver wing
Past the black where the sirens sing
Warm me up in a nova's glow
And drop me down to the dream below"

Linkin Park - Castle of Glass

...

I'm going to tell you guys a story. It took me some time to draft it up, and the drawings took even longer. The story is cliched, stupid, and boring - but...but...oh, whatever. Ignore the art and layering fail. 

...

Enjoy the metaphors (or whatever the hell they are).

...

Once upon a time, there existed a Queen. She lived in a lonely castle, waiting day after day for the King of her dreams to appear. Princes from other countries tried their best to approach her, but the stubborn Queen was not drawn to any of them. She found them boring - none of them piqued her interest long enough to be even considered a companion.

One day, the Queen met a ruffian - a ruffian who was by no means anything special. He was sarcastic, rude, and caused a great deal of trouble in the country. The Queen’s countrymen hated this ruffian – they claimed that he was callous and too outspoken with his ideas.

The Queen didn’t care much about a mere man, of course - but on one occasion, she ended up speaking to the ruffian. They didn’t get along well - both viewed each other as enemies to verbally assault. The Queen, in an out-of-character moment, taunted him with childish insults - to which he responded with vigor, ignoring the fact that she was the country's ruler.

Until one day, the unexpected happened. The ruffian happened to witness the Queen at one of her weakest moments. He never knew that there was this side to the brash, annoying, proud lady.

Things changed drastically after that. They began talking to each other – the first few conversations were slow, hesitant - but quickly evolved to casual chats that carried on day after day. Sometimes they asked about each others lives, sometimes it was just discussions about their goals and dreams. The Queen laughed a whole lot more, not feeling too lonely in her castle anymore. She had him to look forward to seeing all the time, and they gradually became close.

One day, the ruffian called her his “Queen”. 

The Queen was startled, of course. To call her by her title was proof that he had acknowledged her as his ruler, as the one who lead the country. It was proof of his loyalty - loyalty that he never showed to anyone else before. 

As such, the Queen did something she had never done in her life – which was to assign a Knight for herself. 

From that day onward, the ruffian was her Knight, and she was his Queen. It was a startling development, one that surprised everyone around them. They paid no heed to the looks and gossips around them, knowing that they had each other to believe in. 

The Queen and her Knight were always together. She would provide him encouragement whenever he felt like he was next to nothing, assuring him that he was worthy – while he would stand by her side and protect her from the demons within her lonely castle.

 

 

It was then when the Queen realized she was beginning to fall for her Knight. It was something not to be thought of, something that shouldn’t ever be brought up. The Knight existed only to protect the Queen, and the Queen existed to rule. Perhaps the Knight had felt something for his Queen too, but it was hard to tell. He gave enigmatic answers - answers that even the Queen could not understand. She was afraid to push the boundaries, and decided that issues of the heart could be dealt with later.

Times were getting harder. The enemies were upon the castle, threatening to invade and overrule the country. The Knight and her Queen had burdening duties to carry out. While the Knight tried his best, sometimes the Queen herself had to join in the battle. Try as they might, both were worn down by extreme battle conditions - the Queen and her Knight were trapped in an imposing world, where nothing much was left.

“You don’t have to fight the enemies,” he once told her exasperatedly. “All you have to do is sit and look pretty.” 

The Queen was having none of that bullshit. “Well, I can’t just let you fight out there without being by your side!"

“Then…then go and manage the village or something,” he said, clearly frustrated. “Just don’t get any blood on your hands.”

The war eventually did end. The Queen and her Knight were tired, of course, but they managed to share moments of peace, quiet and happiness once more. They talked about the war, the future, and what the world was about. 

He liked the way she asserted her opinions, and the Queen was incredibly proud, then, to have chosen him as her Knight. In turn, she admired the way her Knight stood up for what was right. 

The Queen missed her Knight horribly whenever he wasn’t around. She wanted to know more about him, wanted more from him. Thoughts about him haunted her throughout the days, and she yearned to have him by her side all the time. 

Things, however, weren’t going to stay peaceful for long. 

The pressure was on the Queen once again to choose a partner for herself in order to secure the stability of the kingdom. She despised it, but her Knight urged her to be patient.

That was when she couldn’t take it anymore. She let months of feelings out, confessing to him what she thought of him to be, and what she hoped him to be. The Queen wanted them to always be together – not as Knight and Queen, but as King and Queen. 

She looked at her Knight, expecting happy smiles and acceptance.

But things just weren't meant to be.

He couldn’t, he said. He just couldn’t. He was merely a Knight – not someone worthy to be King. He mentioned that there were many others far more worthy to be King – and that she deserved someone better.

But the Queen knew better. There was another reason for his rejection. 

“Why?” Her question rang hollowly, the accusation in her tone apparent. “Are you afraid that I will fail you?” 

It went both ways, the Knight told her calmly. He was worried that she would fail him, and she would worry that he'd fail her. 

The Queen told him, indignantly, that he would never fail her, and that she would try her best regardless of how difficult the relationship would be - but her Knight had his mind made. It just wasn’t meant to be. He was sorry, he said, but he just couldn’t do it.

The Queen couldn’t believe that this was happening. She was devastated. What else was there to be done now? At this rate, she didn’t even want to face anyone. She refused to. She wanted to go away, disappear from the world, hide from reality. Her pride was in tatters, shredded to bits and pieces of nothingness. 

“I’m sorry.” His tone was gentle. “Will you be alright?”

She wanted to laugh maniacally, to go on a violent massacre on any other kingdom that had once done her wrong. She wanted to scream – she wanted to cry – and cry she did, on the night after that – though no one would ever know. Instead, she forced a grin on her face. “Well, I can't make you stay here anymore. Work hard,” she said. “Whatever you do in the future, work hard, shine, and achieve. I’ll always be cheering for you.” 

There. That was his cue to leave. "Thank you," he replied.

With that, the Queen watched as her Knight - the one who was supposed to always protect her, walked out of her life forever.

...

"Now in my remains
Are promises that never came
Set the silence free
To wash away the worst of me"

Linkin Park - In My Remains 

...

"Have you ever thought about it?"

"Of course I have. Do you see me as a fool? I've considered everything."

"Then you should know that if we ever had a relationship, it would be a time bomb." 

...

...

You're right.

...

You're right.