IT'S P, BITCHES.

I returned to Malaysia only for a few reasons, and one of them includes learning how to drive.

The experience sucked balls. Srsly. 

Anyway, it was just this Monday that I had my JPA test. I waited and waited, cursing smokers who puffed into my face. Time ticked by. I walked around, sighed at the sky, played Temple Run for the 5353233290th time, read Anne of Green Gables with a British accent in my head...

Yeah.

The QTI test went just as how I had planned it, so that was fine. 

The road test, however...

Again, waiting for my turn was another long process. I actually fell asleep while waiting. Yeah, on that stupid plastic chair. I've known all this while that I have a talent for sleeping in random places (lecture halls, bus stops, sleeping while standing - you name it, I've done it) - but this was seriously a new record. I had crammed Anne of Green Gables into my bag, tilted my head into a comfortable position, and slept in a strange place filled with strange people and strange, strange languages.

I did wake up after that of course - only to hear some boys behind talking about...me.

"Eh, memang tidur." 

"No, wait, she's waking up."

"Gooooood moooooorninggggg sleeping beauty..."

Those bloody wankers. How would they like it if someone slammed a heel into their balls, only to hear others gossip about it huh?

And then it was my turn for the road test.

My tester was a Malay lady. 

With sunglasses.

With a bitchy frown. 

The first thing that crossed my mind was, "I'm fucked." 

The first thing she bellowed to me was, "WHY'S YOUR EXAMINATION FORMS SO CRUMPLED?"

I wanted to say something like, "Well bitch, I don't see why the state of my examination forms should matter to you. JUST TAKE THIS SHIT AND WE CAN GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD."

Instead, I humiliatingly swallowed my pride and said a small "sorry." I hated myself so much then. Srsly. 

I adjusted mirrors, the seat, checked whether those signal plus wiper thingies worked, pulled my seat belt on, released the handbrakes...and off I was, cruising to my doom.

I cursed, noting that the clutch and gears of this particular car were stiff and hard to be shifted. It was way harder to use that car compared to the normal practice cars I used, which...wasn't a good sign. Well, whatever. I had to deal with it. I signaled right and went slowly, knowing that there was a slope that led up to the main road. Cars were all waiting to turn out, so I got in line and crawled behind.

...

That was when the engine sputtered and died.

....

And that was when I knew I was truly fucked.

Strangely enough, I was as calm as some meditating tropical lagoon zen-man. The tester wasn't saying anything so I quietly turned the engine on, raced up the hill, and quickly turned out before I screwed up some more.

The rest of my driving was pretty much a wreck. I nearly got the gears mixed up, stopped ungracefully in front of traffic lights, and was generally on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Potong."

Cut? Oh. She wanted me to overtake the car in front. Pretty uncharacteristic for a test, but whatever. I heard her make a satisfied "hm", and was pleased with myself...

...until I saw the traffic lights up ahead turn yellow.

She urged me on impatiently. "GO, GO, GO!"

WHADDAFUCK.

I floored the accelerator like some madman.

AND THEN I PASSED THE JPA TEST.

Did I do the unmentionable? Yes, I did the unmentionable. Malaysians, I'm sure y'all know what I mean. I'm sorry for fueling the huge wrong that our country has, but I was under time constraints and had to get my P asap. As such, I needed an insurance policy. 

But whatever. I'm a P. 

Now I can happily head for a New Zealand driving license without taking too many driving lessons there. 

Mission: Learning how to drive

Passed