I haven't felt this sort of disappointment for such a long time.

Have you ever felt that sometimes true effort just doesn't matter anymore? Or true talent, at any rate. What matters is the popularity. It's all about the popularity. You have to be popular to get what you want - if you're not popular, you're nothing. You're worth nothing. It doesn't matter how good you are, or how hard you try - popularity is the deciding factor - and if you fail it, you're fucked.

There was some support - it wasn't as if support was non-existent. It was just that - you know, that support wasn't enough.

I swear, justice has ended. At least, it feels this way for me. And to think I'm doing law. But wait a second, law itself isn't an advocate of justice. Because justice doesn't exist and life is unfair.

And if you ever need my help, you can be rest assured that I will not give it to you - because if you are taking the job, then you better damn well swear your life on it that you will do your best. I will not stand to see the College fall if you happen to be terrible at answering letters, or just happen to be doing a crap job in the magazine.

Good game. Fair game. Good game. Fair game.

Nothing matters anymore.

Meltdown

"If I could dive into the core of a reactor, then I would be forgiven And all my sins would be absolved..."
- Rin Kagamine

The night air was always a little too chilly for my comfort. 

I hadn't thought too much about how things were going on - I hadn't written about my thoughts for a long time, nor had I read anything that constituted a primary interest of what seemed to be an escapist move into an alternate dimension. It was forlorn, despairingly so, that shreds of old a being seemed to fade and disappear as time went on - just like how shreds of the rips on the jeans continued to expand, revealing pale skin that was underneath it. There was something shameful and undesirable about it, but at the same time it occurred so naturally throughout the halls of time that it would be futile and senseless to stop it. 

The world would carry on - actors and actresses would dominate the stages and there were words, words, and nothing more but words everywhere. Where there was a cliff, there was a sea - where there was a cavern, there was darkness. Humans went there and humans made mistakes and humans fell to their deaths - but where mistakes occurred and where deathly shadows appeared no one seemed to understand, nor did they realize the existence of evil clawing through what they perceived to be a normal life. 

Screaming through the night, laughing at two in the morning with nothing but a senseless drive and a streak of passion - would that be a normal life of an individual, or would that be the life of a normal individual? What society constructed was nothing more than what was perceived - in truth, everything was nothing but a relative piece of art. There were things to be defined and things to be understood - but in the mad heap of twisted metal there was nothing to be found, nothing to be comprehended. What was left was mankind's inability to trust and accept - and with that, a heavy price was paid for generations and generations of passivity. 

It was said that passivity could be more dangerous than the actual act of harming - for passivity was silent, and silence was mankind's greatest weakness. Strength, where present, had to be utilized to its fullest capabilities in order to steer themselves to the direction they wanted - conquer the greatest oceans, conquer the skies and conquer their very hearts where what they feared the most laid. 

What would be the very best course of action to take, then? In the face of pure fear, it would be almost impossible to act upon rationality or anything that would remotely resemble rationality. The world that individual knew would seem infinitely far away - and from here a new individual wold emerge, one that acted on fear and pure, unadulterated adrenaline alone. From that time onward, there would only be two decisions - to fight or to run. Fight or run. Run or fight. Run and fight - fight and run. Would choosing both be a course of idiocy, or would it be comprehensible to the logical being - only one who was placed in that exact situation would understand and react in a way to what he felt was logical. Everything was relative, after all. Under close scrutiny, there would be nothing that was right in this world - where feelings reigned and corruption thwarted justice, there was nothing that could even feel remotely right. At that precise moment there would be nothing but mind and matter in motion, where binary forms intertwined and imposed its falsity upon the people who placed their trust on something higher. 

In the end, would there even be a choice?

Here we go again.

What are you dreaming of?

In just two months, I have realized just how much more cynical I've become when it comes to world issues. Thank you Law, thank you Politics. You have made me become a pessimist, especially when world tensions are concerned. It's not my fault that I've started viewing things from a different perspective, it just happens. 

I dream of a far away place where we used to be.

The number of assignments I've been having...damn. In two weeks, I've had to write essays worth 4k words, and in the next two weeks there'd be more essays and legal opinions to do. While I love what I'm studying at the moment, the amount of research necessary for these essays are a real pain. Nevertheless, university life is still more enjoyable than high school life - and it always will be, no matter what happens. 

I dream of a far away place where we could go to.

The people here are nice - immensely so. The days are filled with dinners, tea in the kitchens, gym days, theme parties, tests, assignments, lectures, day outs, and all sorts of other student-related activity that one can think of. There are blossoming romances, love-hate relationships, and just the sort of thing you can expect to happen when you chuck students together in a hall. But I love it, I really do. 

If you do not come to me, I will go to you.

So much to do, so little time. Coffee tomorrow with the peeps, dinner with an old mate - church on Sundays, maybe? May God save me from my sins. Procrastinating on the work, going through a routine, picking out outfits...

Let us help each other out.

In loving memory

It's been a month.

Why did you have to go?

Stars

Ocean

Snow

Summer

We were supposed to see them together

Я люблю тебя, you said

Спокойной ночи, you said

Even if you never may have gone through true love, you were loved

You were loved

I worried for you

I worried for you

I learned up Russian for you

You never minded the language barriers

You never did

You knew your English well

I admired you

I admired you

You were so selfless

so loyal

everything that I couldn't be

But your life was empty

so empty

Putting in everything for the military

Putting in everything for your country

No longer the Soviet Union

But the Russian Federation

You wanted to be so much  more

You wanted to be a Captain

You had that pride

that ambition

that fierce determination

I admired you

Why

Why

Why

Plans will never happen

The future will never happen

You are gone

Who was it

Who killed you

If I ever get my hands on him, I will rip his limbs

make him suffer

for he took away a young man's future

someone dear to me  

I remember the picture

I hold it safe

Do you remember mine?

It was supposed to be the future

You, me, and your dearest sister together

Санкт-Петербург,
Я пойду

  

Kak dyela, dorogoy?

Ya skuchayu po tebe.

You missed me too

You told me so

You loved me too

You told me so

Perhaps nothing could have happened

Maybe nothing would have ever happened

If I had known

If I had known

regret

regret

regret

regret

 

 Take me in your hands

Jump off a cliff

Into the bright blue ocean

Russia's summer

I'd be safe

I'd be in your arms

You missed me

You missed me 

So do I

So do I

Strangled consequences

Inevitable parting

Coldness creeping on

I don't recognize it

I can't recognize it

because this will be the last time this happens 

I liked your uniform

I liked your smile

I liked the casual self you were

Perhaps you were proud

A bit too proud

Perhaps that led you to your downfall

Perhaps that led you to your death

Nothing to be said

Nothing to be heard

Regret kills me inside

I want to see you but

I can't

Why

Why

You were supposed to protect your country

the citizens

the women and the children

you acknowledged that

you knew that

guns

military warfare

strategy

intense training

Even so

Even then

you were supposed to teach me how to use a gun

something I've wanted to do for a long time

for all the right and wrong purposes

but it's gone

you're gone

da svdaniya, komrade, moy brat, moya lyubov

Goodbye once and for all,
dear sweet Nikolai

And it begins.

There have been so many changes in life. 

...

For those of you who aren't aware of it yet, I'm happily back at a place where I call home. 

Flying back to NZ was a tiring process. I had to transit at Singapore and Christchurch before taking another domestic flight to Dunedin with bags, cookies and everything in tow. Amused, I tried doing a calculation of how many hours of travel time I had clocked over the past few months. The answer was pretty startling, I'd say - there were definitely more than ten flights, and at least thirty hours of being on the road. Oh yes, Anne, you da traveler, so stick to dat and do what you like to do.
<br>

Now this keychain below gave me a problem -

 They basically thought I was communicating in a secret language to other terrorists - or that I myself was a wannabe terrorist - or...I don't know, really. The keychain shaped as a gun was inappropriate (?) - or maybe they thought the keychain had secret powers. At any rate, I ended up being stranded at a side for fifteen minutes while they scrutinized me warily, consulting their senior officers for all that was worth. 

Tired from waiting, I told the officer, "You know what? You guys can have it. It's from the dollar shop anyways." 

Startled, the officer gave me this strange, weird look. Apparently if I was so willing in giving up, then that would mean I was not a potential terrorist, right? After all, the ones who acted all defensive and shit were the suspects.

So in the end, I was allowed to keep my lovely keychain. 

Drinks all around!

ANYWAY.

Living in St Margaret's College is probably one of the best things that could happen to me, ever. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I first visited it at the age of nine. Or ten, whatever - I don't remember. I was immediately captivated by those flowers, that traditional-looking structure - and of course, the wonderful lifestyle. I remember putting all these personal pleas in my application, and badabinggg, wish granted. 

People have been really friendly so far, even though the segregation between Asians and Europeans clearly still exists in a certain manner. That doesn't mean you can't get locals to be your friend, though, I've had a couple of mates pretty quickly and everything seems to be working fine. It's quite common for us to greet each other on the hallway or strike up a quick, casual conversation at the dining table. 

Which quickly led me to the fact that I was the friggin' minority in terms of coursework and shit. Everyone was a health science student, I was one of the few doing Law and Arts - majoring in English and minoring in Politics, no less. It was difficult to talk about course stuff with others since we were all involved in different things, but people were quite curious as to what my two degrees entailed. 

Looks like everyone can be pals after all. 

The Inter-College Sports Day was pretty fun, even though I did suffer a minor sunburn after that. I'll remember that tight jeans and bad UV rays are a bad combination next time.

 GO, SMC!

Then this was something interesting I found on a library book I borrowed:

 I totally laughed at "Oh Dear". Someone was obviously not a diehard fan of the USSR. Dude probably had a shitload of jokes for Commies and Albania...or whatever country he was referring to at "bugger", I have no idea. 

Then there was the all-amazing toga party, where everyone dressed up in a toga just like the Greek eras in their bedsheets. It was like, a Dunedin tradition. Freshies did that, and thousands of them gathered in the stadium.

 Then there were the catch-ups with old mates. 

This little girl clung onto me incredibly quickly. She just refused to let me go, so I was like, "Heck, I'll just carry you around then."

Another feature of St Margaret's is the formal dinners they have. I signed up for pre-dinner drinks seeing as no one on my floor was that keen on doing so, and ended up being nervous in a whole bunch of people dressed in suits and dresses.

 We also had the Amazing Race. I might have twisted/tore something in the process, seeing as how much I suffered in the days after that. All in all, though, it was great fun.

 There are a lot of serious issues that I have to write about, though. 

First off, the study issues.

Secondly...I still haven't really gotten over the death of a close friend that I have just discovered recently. No one really knows what's going on, and even I have tried my best not to think about it. But the thoughts still come dead at night, after several tiring hours of looking over books. 

I don't know how to deal with it, but somehow I will. 

Till then, it's time for a Law lecture.

Today, I found out he was gone.

And then the world crashed around me.

Will the days last?

I want to go stargazing sometime in my life just to have the beauty of the universe swallow me whole.

It sure would be nice to explore the stars. I wouldn't mind soaring around the galaxy a little to see the brilliant star constellations and how vast everything is. It would take me eternity, but that probably wouldn't matter if I ever had a chance. I would probably laugh in that silence, revel in some old song playing in my head, and just look at everything in awe. 

Would everything be as poetic as I imagine it to be?

I dream about roaming the world more and more. I've finally arrived back to the place where I call home, but I know it would only be a matter of time before I crave for another exciting, fascinating experience.

Still, now that I look at it, why do I aspire to travel so much? It's not the cheapest hobby to have, not to mention that planning and actually undertaking the entire journey itself is tiring. The standard answer isn't that complicated - I could say the usual things like: "Oh, it's just nice to see new cultures. You meet new people and learn more history - how great can that be?"

Well, of course, there definitely is truth in that question. I love new places - Europe in particular. There's a deep attraction to that region, especially England - and I'm not entirely sure why. Next in line of countries to visit would be Austria, Hungary, Russia - and perhaps even the Nordic nations. Heck, I'm even thinking about a trip to Antarctica just because NZ is so near to it. Egypt, Israel...what about the coldest regions in Canada? It would be nice to visit these countries, definitely. 

But I guess the truest answer is this -

...That freedom always will be my call. 

 

...

And that the skies I shall explore when I exist no more.

...

University life is going to be busy, I can tell. After a long ten hour flight plus a couple of other transits, I finally landed at Dunedin. It took me a shitload of effort to get to my dorm on its own, seeing as there were no taxis available - all had been fully booked by returning students. I was tempted to scream bloody murder all around. Nevermind, I arrived safely without killing anyone.

Everyone at this prestigious dorm seems to be friendly, thank god. Today's welcoming speech had been quite clear and concise - St Margaret's was one of the best, and all of us were definitely going to be the best of the best. I hope to live up to that standard, really. Already there would be formal Sunday dinners where men dress up in ties and ladies get their dresses out. On the list would also be Academic Breakfasts where lecturers, VCs and students mingle. This Wednesday's community service is apparently compulsory - somehow I'm not complaining, which is rare - add to the fact that I haven't gotten my text books yet, nor do I have any idea where next week's lectures are going to be at.

My memory of this place is once again refreshed. Yep, awesome place. Well-kept grass lawns, flowers (holy shit they have sprinklers for this), carpeted floors, chandeliers from the ceiling in the dining room, fresh flowers around the hallway, using the proper cutlery while eating, long dining tables, saying grace, having a whole load of activities...

 

...

I'm not sure what made me want to stay at this residential college at the young age of nine. At nine, I may have been young and impressionable - but certainly not stupid. Yet at that age I had made up my mind that this was what I would work for. Nine years later, I achieved what I wanted. That's great, but what will I make out of this year? Will I use this chance appropriately, or would I sacrifice it? 

That, in all honesty, isn't even a valid question.